I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
