Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Randomize
