Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
