My room smells like vodka and shame
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
