At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
