I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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