go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
