Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
We had sex on a dog bed..
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
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