But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I wish you could order shots online.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
