Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
honey bunches of taint.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
