I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Randomize
