Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
