ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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