I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
