Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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