"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
