I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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