I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
