I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
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It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
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You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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