Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
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pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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