Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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