Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Randomize
