he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
