o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
