My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
