Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
