I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Randomize
