I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Randomize
