made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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