Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize