GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
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