my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
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he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
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He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.