So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
