You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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