I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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