capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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