I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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