There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
