a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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