You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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