So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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