Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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