I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
