so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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