dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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