do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
