His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.