I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
