I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
