yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
