the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
