I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
