He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
