There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
