you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
All I want is dick and wine.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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