Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
