if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
