So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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