Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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