I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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